This is 100% pure awesome

I thought I was a crazy cat lady. This bi**h puts me to shame:

Key parts, if you’re taking notes (and, really, you should be, because some of this is too difficult for a normal person to figure out on their own):

* “Petting is just randomly petting. Most people will go mid-back. Eh!

* “If we understood fluent ‘meow’ our cats would tell us petting is passe.” (Passe? If my cat could talk to me, I hope he wouldn’t sound like such a douche.)

* The random back-and-forth switching between real cat and stuffed tiger.

* Remember this tip: “If you’re right handed, use your right hand, left-handers, use left. Or, if you’re right-handed, try using your left, and vice versa.”

* Apparently, Paul Simon writes music about life and cat massage.

* I’m sorry, did she say “like the touch of a fairy”?

* “Either they like this or they don’t!”

* “Power purring” sounds more like the pissed-off kitty warning my cats make during the last 30 seconds I’m clipping their claws. It roughly translates to: “I’ve tolerated this for far longer than I should have, insufferable human.”

* Being a crazy cat lady causes you to confuse letters and sounds.

* At 2:05, I wonder if she’s the one playing the joke on us.

* At 2:41, I know she’s 100 percent real. Why, you ask? Because I … sometimes … well, sometimes I sing to my cats, too. And “Champer-damper”? You can’t fake that kind of cooing craziness. (My cat, Molly, like all my cats, has a series of unfortunate rhyming nicknames, like Mollers the challers the ballers the shot-callers! I can’t believe I just typed that.)

All the criticism aside, the cat looks like he’s perfectly happy with all the attention that’s being lavished on him. Cats are generally pretty laid-back, but this one is a veritable limp noodle for most of the video. If loving and caring for your pets makes you crazy, then let us all be certifiable!

Thank you, everythingisterrible.com

p.s. I want to see Kristin Wiig parodying this on SNL. Can’t you see it?

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