Things That Should Be “Illegal” In Workplaces

1. Whistling. Loudly and tunelessly. For hours on end.

2. Mouth/nose noises. I.E., incessant sniffling (Blow. Your. GD. Nose.), “hocking loogies” (do I even need to explain why this should be an offense punishable by death?), incessant clearing of the throat, eating/slurping noisily. No one should ever, ever, EVER be able to hear you eating.

3. Smelly meals. Opening a can of tuna in a small, poorly-ventilated, window-less room. Microwaving or preparing any sort of fish, for that matter. If you must eat fish, do it outside. Please.

4. Singing. Unless it’s coming from my headphones or Brandon Flowers has decided to stop by and serenade everyone.

5. Donkey braying portrayed as laughing. You know who you are. Stop watching YouTube and get to work.

That’s all I have for now. (Read: These are all things that are happening in my office right now.) What do you think should be considered “illegal workplace behavior?”

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